Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in xneverforever's LiveJournal:

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Saturday, April 16th, 2005
10:17 pm	1. Current Height: 5'3 2. Current Weight: Not sure.Probably 108 3. Current BMI: 18 4. Lowest weight at current height: 105 5. Highest weight at current height: 126 6. Pants size: 0-2 7. Top size: xsmall-sml 8. Have you ever been diagnosed with an eating disorder? no 9. How often do you weigh yourself? used to weigh everyday... haven't been consistent in a while but i did today and saw 108 10. Have you cried after weighing yourself/trying on clothes? yes mostly every time 11. If you could change any body part(s), what would you choose? ass and upper thighs mostly and stomach 12. What body type do you have: pear-like 13. How happy would you say you are with your body as it is right at this moment? decently happy but always wanting to lose more 14. Have you been made fun of because of your weight? no 15. Did it contribute to how you feel about yourself now? yeh if more ppl told the truth i'd be inspired to lose more weight 16. Does it take you a long time to find something that looks halfway decent on you? yes 17. If you could make yourself any weight, what number would you choose? 99 18. What celebrity, in your opinion, has the perfect body? keira knightly 19. Other than physical appearance, how do you feel about yourself? ok i guess things are going well 20. Do you think you'd be happier about yourself if you were comfortable with your weight? definitely (Comment on this)
Tuesday, January 25th, 2005
7:35 pm	needa start writing in this again... 100 Calorie Packs are freaking awesome. food today: cheddar thin crisps 100 fish filet 100 oreo thin crisps 100 1/2 chicken kiev 170 noodles ~100 (prolly less) little glass of lemonade 50? TOTAL 620 bad thing is i am having a craving... not for anything in particular. i'm just hungry damn hunger. it gives me headaches... i love diet drinks bye *lara* (Comment on this)
Monday, October 18th, 2004
6:48 pm	plum 36 crackers 130 hashbrown 110 1/2 biscuit 110 egg 100 cupcake 200 TOTAL: 686 And thats all I'm having too. I hate food. Ugh (Comment on this)
Saturday, October 9th, 2004
9:51 am	1. What facial feature do you find the most attractive on others?: eyes, coloring 2. Would you vote for a woman candidate for president?: yes if she was what i wanted in president 3. Would you marry for money?: thats hard... i'd like to say no, but if i'm not married by 30 and desperate, yes probably so 4. Have you had braces?: yes 5. Do you pluck your eyebrows?: yes 6. Do you ever cut or hurt yourself?: i have but not anymore 7. When was the last time you had a hickey?: a long time 8. Could you live without a computer?: no way 9. Do you use ICQ, AOL Buddy list etc..?: yes 10. If so, how many people are on your list(s)?: 92 11. If you could live in any past time period, which would it be?: civil war time or tudor england (renaissance-ish time) 13. Do you wear shoes in the house or take them off?: i never wear shoes in the house 14. What is your favorite fruit?: grapefruit, plums, peaches, apples 15. Do you eat wheat bread or white?: either 16. What is your favorite place to visit?: somewhere there's fun stuff to do and that could be lots of places i guess like the beach, las vegas, nyc... 17. What is the last movie you saw?: "first daughter" and my suggestion is if you can't appreciate pretty bad acting, a totally unbelieveable story, and a sappy love ending dont see it 18. Do you kiss on the first date?: not if i dont want to... i'm good at avoiding it, but bad at getting rid of them 19. Are you photogenic?: not always but sometimes and then i'm really surprised 20. Do you dream in color or black and white?: color 21. Are you wearing fingernail polish?: no, i need to tho so i'll stop biting them 22. Do you have any dimples?: nr 23. Do you remember being born?: definitely not but sometimes i can invision it cuz my mom's told me a/b it so many times 24. Why do you take surveys?: something to do instead of eat 25. Do you drink alcohol?: if i so desire but its not a necessity 26. Did you like or do you like high school?: i have to say for the most part i liked it, but there were bad bad BAD times 27. What is the most beautiful language?: this is cliche, but French. i'm taking it right now actually 28. When you are asleep do you like being kissed awake?: if i like the person 29. Do you like sunrises or sunsets the most?: sunset 30. Do you want to live to be 100?: if im in good health... i guess, but if i can't function then no 31. Do you think women should be expected to shave their body hair?: when you phrase it like that saying 'expected to' my answer is no, b/c hell we can do w/e we want, but i would cuz i think that hair is gross 32. Do you like salty food or sugary food the most?: salty :( 33. Is a flat stomach important to you?: very very 34. Do you or have you played with a ouija board?: i never have but i've always been intrigued. i dont really think its real 35. Are you loyal?: yes 36. Are you tolerant of other people's beliefs?: yes 37. When you watch movies at home, do you like the lights on or off?: i think off but it doesnt really matter 38. Do you believe in magic?: i'd like to but i've seen no proof of it 39. Do you have nightmares frequently?: no i havent had a nightmare in a long time 40. Do you like your nose?: not really... its ok 41. Do you like abstract art?: sure 42. Do you think you can draw well? yes i can draw with pencils but i cannot paint 43. Do you listen to music daily?: always... can't get around it- i'm a music major 44. Do you like to watch cartoons?: yeah but i never do 45. At what age did you find out that Santa Claus wasn't real?: can't remember 46. How many pairs of shoes do have in your closet?: WAY too many and sooo many that i never wear 47. Do you like to wear the same shoes everyday or do you like a variety?: usually the same like 3 pairs 48. Do you write poetry?: yeah 49. Do you snore?: nope 50. Do you sleep more on your back, front, or sides?: sides, never on my back 51. Would you rather have a poodle or a rottweiler?: rottweiler 52. Do you lick stamps?: no mine have adhesive stick 53. Do you use an electric can opener?: yeah 54. Have you ridden in a hot air balloon?: no 55. Which hurts the most, physical or emotional pain?: emotional 56. Do you think balding men should shave their heads?: idc... they should do what they want to do 57. Do you know anyone who is clinically depressed?: yes i've known several including myself 58. Do you prefer a piano or a violin?: oh wow- ok it depends on who is playing it and by that i dont mean if a hot guy is playing the violin, i'd like the violin better. its the amount of skill and talent the person has that makes the instrument 59. Are you a sex addict?: definitely not, i dont even masturbate. and while i am not a virgin, i guess i'm not very needy 60. Do you know someone who has cancer?: yes 61. Do you hunt?: no way no way no way 62. Do you like fast food joints, or expensive restaurants?: neither neither blech but if i have to pick i'd say expensive restaurants cuz then there would hopefully be healthy choices on the menu and it wouldn't be soaked in grease 63. Would you rather visit a zoo or an art museum?: both, i love both 64. Do you have a middle name?: yes 65. Are you basically a happy person?: basically i guess 66. Are you tired?: yeah could be 67. Did you drink anything with caffeine in it today?: havent had anything pass my lips yet today except air 68. Have you ever met anyone off the internet?: nope 69. How many phones do you have in your house? a lot idk 70. How long is your hair?: below shoulders idk 71. Do you get along with your parents?: yes 72. What color of eyes do you prefer?: blue and then green or even hazel sometimes idk 73. Are you an active person?: i guess 74. What medications do you take?: mega-t 75. What does your bedroom look like?: really really messy, clothes everywhere from when i try to wear things and then have to take them off cuz im too fat... i have wood furniture and i was trying to go with an all white decor but the walls and bed sheets are lavender colored (Comment on this)
Wednesday, September 8th, 2004
12:09 pm	2 oreos 140 candy apple 210 grapefruit juice 160 tonight my mom is making me and my dad go eat mexican for dinner. i hate mexican so it shouldnt be hard for me to not eat. we'll see. so as of now my total is 510. (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, September 6th, 2004
9:01 pm	it ended up more as always but still not too bad and everything i had at dinner was low fat. bf: biscuits 330 v8 70 lch: nothing din: 1/2 caesar salad 187 bowl low fat chicken noodle soup 98 bread 108 dessert: fat free gelato 60 TOTAL: 852 I had planned to just get the salad but I calculated that it would be less calories if I got the half soup half salad thing with this really tasty low fat chicken noodle soup that I was pleased with. I usually wouldn't eat the bread but the other day I discovered that I like it, so I ate it, unfortunately. My friends wanted dessert and I always complain and stuff, so to appease them I said we should go get gelato. I knew if I was there I'd get something, so I figured I might as well steer them towards the fewer calories. And I was so happy that there were lots that were 100% fat free and only 60 cals. If it had been more I wouldn't have gotten any. But surprisingly it was some of the best stuff I had ever eaten and I didn't even have to feel too guilty about it. So anyways thats why my total is 852- I'm blaming it on the bread that it went over 800. But whats the point in blaming? I still did it. I'm gonna do some cruntches and push ups now and then go to bed. So sleepy. *lara* (Comment on this)
10:29 am	biscuits: 330 V8: 70 caesar salad: 374 i should have just not eaten anything this morning, but i knew that when i got home from school this afternoon i'd have ended up eating more which is way worse. so this way i wont be hungry till we are meeting for dinner. i swear why do i agree to go out so much... its just that i want to be out and play with my friends and usually people want to get food... stupid. and i cant sit there and not eat something b/c 1 they'd all be suspicious since they already are anyways, and 2 i have no self control. but i figure i'll only allow myself a caesar which is the skinniest salad they offer at panera, which is where we're going. and i like it and won't have to eat it all, and prolly wont. so anyways the total will be 774 and i'm not complaining. ok well i complain no matter how many.. i'd rather it be like 100 a day but i cant do that. too bad huh. keeping it under 800 is a/b as good as i can do on a normal day with parents and friends, which is most days. anyways thats all. *lara* (Comment on this)
Sunday, September 5th, 2004
11:51 pm	354 all of breakfast since we had to go out 260 lunch 240 frozen yogurt, completely unecessary i know cantaloupe 24 TOTAL 878 not too bad not too bad. im kinda hungry now i wish there was something for 0 cals b/c i dont want to go up anymore. i need to bring myself to weigh soon so i can set some new goals to work towards. i think thats why i havent been doing as well. my goals were 105 then 100. depending on where i am now they will prolly be the same goals. i will set dates for them after i weigh. maybe tomorrow. thats all *lara* (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, September 4th, 2004
1:07 am	well i said i was 680 but i forgot something else i ate so its prolly more like 780 but still i'm ok with that cuz its under 800. i got hungry but for once i had some control and didnt give in. my friend bought this lemon poppy seed muffin that i had a few bites of and i did drink a/b a 1/3 of a snojoe at joe muggs, but that can't be too terribly much. so i'm 'clocking in' at 800 for today and i actually feel it. i haven't done good in so many days that i can actually feel the hunger pains. usually they dont hurt. i need to drink more h2o. i also need to remember to take my weight smart pill/vitamin. i think it helped for a while there while i was taking it. so anyways i just got done doing crunches and push ups. i wanted to run today but i didnt have enuf time. tomorrow i am going to the zoo so we will be walking a lot, and i'm not gonna eat when i can help it. i am so bad a/b saying things that will make ppl suspicious of my ed. things that just come naturally out of my mouth like when i know on the spot exactly how many calories something is or when i get upset over have a certain amount of calories, or today when my friend was a/b to get something to eat at 11 at night and i was like dont do that dont eat. and earlier to the same guy i said i was hungry and he was like eat and i was like i'm not going to eating is overrated. like idk why i say those things and they might go unnoticed, but they just come out naturally. i wish i could skinny and not have to obsess over so many things. but its like my life. i have to know how many calories everthing is and if anything is over 300 by itself i cant eat it. and of course nothing over 800 if i do good. when i eat at 1000 i feel and look fat. but then of course i always look fat. i dont even want to set a goal b/c i feel like i am really big right now. the last time i weighed i was 108 but i am sure its more like 110 or 111 now. which is so depressing. so fat. there is like this layer of fat everywhere i wish could just go away but idk if it even can no matter what i do. my abs are really hard and strong but theres still that layer of fat. well i did good today so i think i'll feel better tomorrow. i am going to bed hungry and that is one of the best feelings. anyways thats all *lara* (Comment on this)
Friday, September 3rd, 2004
4:53 pm	680 cals so far which is way more than i'd intended, but something came up and i was forced to eat. but its stopping at 680. if i consume anything else it'll be diet coke or water. i got out of eating dinner thank god. anyways thats all for today. bye. (Comment on this)
Thursday, September 2nd, 2004
10:42 pm	no control it would have been so easy for me to skip lunch today. but did i? no. ridiculous. i am still obsessive over counting cals but i am geting more lenient with myself. like sure lara you can have some more, etc etc. i am so stupid sometimes. i tell you i am gonna do better tomorrow. my mom and i had this mini fight today over my eating. she still tells me i dont eat enuf and i'm anorexic yada yada even tho its obvious i've been eating way more than normal lately. she told me i had to eat before i left and i refused and i actually won. i didnt have time to eat and i didnt want to. i told her i'd get something at school 'like i always do.' so i didnt eat anything till 330. so i was doing good right? then i get home and i knew she'd ask what i ate etc so something compelled me to make something, easy mac 250 cals. i dont know why i dont know why. it would have been so easy to just not eat. i could have just lied. then to make it worse we went out to dinner tonight and i got the healthiest thing i could find which was grilled shrimp and i only ate 3 out of the 12 they give you. but i did eat the entire baked potato also... with butter. smart huh? ugh i wish i could just say no. then i was hungry so i just had a packy of goldfish 170 cals. so i am prolly like over 1000 cals RIDICULOUS i am sick of being fat. on a happier note 2 people said i looked different and that it was cuz i lost some weight. i am kinda sick of hearing it. i wish i hadnt' been so fat before that its this noticeable. but on the other hand i'm glad i look better, if not where i want to be, but i kinda wish ppl could just notice and not tell me a/b it. makes me feel fat again. tomorrow all i'm going to have is a fat free yoplait 100 cals no matter how tempted i get. my mom will make dinner but i will make a point to eat as little as possible. i almost want to learn to purge but everyone discourages it. i just hate eating. i really do. i wish food didnt taste good or that i had the control to spit it out. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, September 1st, 2004
11:10 pm	i have not been doing well. i am rather mad at myself. anyways 169 250 340 130 TOTAL: 889 which, sadly, is better than ive been doing. i'm getting back on the ball. i will be thin. thats all bye *lara* Current Mood: excited Current Music: fleetwood mac "sara" (Comment on this)
Sunday, August 29th, 2004
8:27 pm	300 390 180 112 992 i hate eating. tomorrow is hardcore restriction. thats all bye (Comment on this)
Monday, August 23rd, 2004
10:16 pm	not very strong for the first time, yesterday i almost had an outburst that would completely have given away my ed. i was running late to get to acta for my show and as i was running up the stairs my mom said i had to eat something before i left. this made me so mad for some reason... usually i can blow it off and not care. but like since i had no time... like 15 minutes to shower, dry my hair, get my stuff t/g, and go to the store (which i didnt end up doing), i just yelled "WHY?" which of course is a stupid question to a person who eats on a regular basis. it just made me mad b/c i love the days when i have shows b/c i dont have to eat ALL DAY and that makes me feel so good and skinny and like i'm making progress. and not 'like' i'm making progress, i KNOW i made progress that way. i am 108 now and at the beginning of july i was 122! sorry that i like 108 A LOT better, but thats beside the point. i was also mad b/c i actually for really didnt have the time to sit down and eat something. but i held my tongue after i yelled 'why' and to appease her i asked if while i got ready dad could make me an easy mac...280 cals blech. so when i was already 5 minutes late coming downstairs i sat down and had a few bites of it. i left more than half of it there but thankfully they didnt say anything. i didnt make it to the store but it was ok. i had to rush really super fast to get ready before the show. it was the last show and since this is mostly my diet journal i'm not gonna get into how depressed i am. i am just sad its over and extra sad b/c now i'm stuck at home where people watch my eating habits a lot closer. i already ate too much today. i dont even want to list it b/c it'll be too depressing. lets just say a donut was involved... ugh i wish i could puke but i'm not bulimic and i know thats not for me... i hate the feeling of throwing up but there are times when i really wish i could. not to be disgustingly gross, but i did shit a lot today... ok i couldnt get around making that disgustingly gross sounding, but i did and it made me feel a little better. but anyways tomorrow i am back on track- no more than 800 cals i think. *lara* ps- to anyone who reads this, i just wanted to share something my dad wrote me... Also I wanted to say that u look great now. Maybe it was your hair or the weight u have lost but u really look good. You have always been a beautiful girl but the weight lost has helped I think. Your weight is perfect now so don’t over do it and lose too much. ...which is very nice of him to say so, but what its really trying to say is dont lose anymore weight, even tho obviously i was a porker before. my mom said the same thing today to me... not to lose anymore. i will just have to be more careful so they won't notice. the pounds'll go away slower that way, which i hate but i dont want them stopping me. thats all. (Comment on this)
Sunday, August 22nd, 2004
1:57 am	today i weighed and it said 108... thats a pound since a few days ago. not enuf... today i didnt eat anything until a/b 1130 or so at night... when i ate bad food which was a/b 4 cheese sticks and few french fries... i didnt like it but i was pretty hungry by then. actually the truth is i didnt feel too hungry until i saw the food. i felt so good a/b not eating all day. the only thing i had was a diet coke. and i didnt even feel hungry... my stomach did not growl. i wish i hadn't had to ruin it. but i ran a lot today and did crunches and i'm ab to do more. so anyways thats a/b it. *lara* (Comment on this)
Friday, August 20th, 2004
12:22 am	i feel like crying and idk why i must be hormonal. i'm also still sick and just barely made it thru my show tonight w/o becoming hoarse. the pathetic thing ab it is that the director told me to project more and i swear if i talked any louder either my voice would crack or nothing would come out. so idk i just hope its even better tomorrow. as for eating i feel depressed and i haven't felt really depressed a/b my fat in a few days. i had to have chickfila today with my friend who is moving to college in 2 days and i got a kids meal with 6 nuggets and sadly, i ate them all. 6 nuggets: 217.5 small fry: 290 diet coke: 0 arby's sandwich: 388 TOTAL: 895.5 absolutely disgusting. and i feel it but i can hardly care cuz i feel so sick and tired and i could only manage 20 crunchs and 10 push ups... pathetic. im gonna try to do more. it makes me feel better anyways even if its not doing anything. on a side note, several people told me i was tiny today. too bad its not true. my mom says i am too skinny and i dont need to lose anymore weight. i think she's worried a/b me but not sure enuf to actually confront me a/b having an ed. and i'm glad. i dont want anyone to try and 'help' me. im just fine the way i am and i want to be thin. i havent even reached my main goal of 100 but its coming. 9-10 more pounds to go and that shouldnt be too hard. something thats a little frustrating is that none of my pants fit b/c they are too big... i think i wrote that yesterday. its definitely a good thing but i cant afford to go out and buy new stuff. but most of what i have makes me look like a clown its so big. stuff that used to be tight... sadly enuf. anyways thats all i've got to say.. ive got to get some sleep. *lara* (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, August 19th, 2004
12:11 am	well yesterday the scale said 109 and that is so effing HAPPY. i have been doing really really well- almost fasting, but eating just a little to keep my stomach from growling.. but its gotten to where my body just rejects food, or my stomach has shrunk considerably enuf that it doesnt need as much food. a happy thought is that i've lost 13 pounds in less than a month. but what isnt happy is that i still see fat in the mirror... will i ever see what i want to see? i do see a difference, a good difference, but really will it ever look good? idk... its weird not being able to fit in my pants b/c they are too big... usually its the other way around. it makes me feel good but also gross that i used to be that big. tomorrow my friend asked me to go to chikfila with her so i'm planning already to get a kids meal with a diet lemonade or diet coke thats a/b 300 cals right there but then i wont have to eat anything else all day b/c tomorrow night i have a show and i dont have to eat dinner at home during show days. in other news, saturday and sunday brett kissed me backstage and i haven't known what to think for the past few days... i've been mostly wondering what he was thinking. so tonight at our pick up rehearsal we went to swing on the swings togther afterwards and we talked a long time and he kissed me and we just kinda realized that there is some kind of connection between us. i dont think either of us really know what it is or where it will go or what, but he wants to find out. i dont want to lose control of my feelings by giving them to him so i am being very cautious. i think he senses that or knows it. idk... idk how i feel its weird. but i just know that i feel comfortable with him and good when he holds me... and i esp like it cuz it makes me feel small and skinny. anyways thats all i've got to say... this is pretty long and i dont think anyone really reads it anyways. nini *lara* Current Mood: good Current Music: Sarah Brightman (Comment on this)
Tuesday, August 17th, 2004
1:09 am	well i'm back mostly b/c i just feel like i need to talk. theres no one i can talk to a/b my anorexia. i've never been diagnosed or hospitalized but i am pretty much full fledged ana. and i like it that way but i wish sometimes that i could tell someone. but i just cant. sometimes it almost comes out... like i want to have someone i can share my excitement with when i reach a goal. but if i say anything ppl will just be like you arent eating enuf. they wont be happy for me... they'll think i have a problem. its not a problem. i know that i have to have some food to live and i'm ok with that. but keeping the food intake at a super low level so i can continue to lose weight isn't a problem. its not a problem that i want to be skinny. its not a problem that i want to see bones. its just i wish someone could understand. i like being a part of my ana lj community but its still hard b/c they are people you can't see and talk to all the time for support. i just wish i had someone around who would be happy for me when i say i've made it to 110, 105, 100. b/c it makes me so happy but no one to share it with. its weird like i dont really have to have as much support to achieve it, its more like i want someone to share the victories with. idk... i guess thats all. bye. *lara* Current Mood: contemplative Current Music: Kate Bush (Comment on this)
Monday, August 16th, 2004
10:56 pm	not going too well today... its cuz i'm not doing anything. for the past week + i've been on the go so much with my show that i haven't had to eat, or not much at least even when the cast goes out to dinner. i can get away with not eating cuz no one cares or notices. some of my friends notice but then they forget. but since today and tomorrow and most of wed we are off, i am stuck at home with my mom watching and bringing me food. so i'm prolly at a/b 1000 cals almost for today so i'm not even going to count them up. tomorrow i will do much better. i have a cold or something so i have an excuse. yesterday the scale said 110 and i do not want it to go up. on friday i want it to say 105- thats prolly pushing it but if i eat very very little i might make it. so thats all thats going on. *lara* (Comment on this)
Saturday, August 14th, 2004
2:29 am	chicken thigh 230 1 fajita steak no toppings 300 3 cheese sticks 323 TOTAL: 853 Well despite how bad I did, I'm still glad I didn't go over 900. So thats all bye *lara* (1 Comment |Comment on this)